The Sun weighed in this morning with the information that it is pollen season. We who have been sneezing ourselves senseless and rubbing our eyes blind for three weeks now say “Well, DUH.” The paper also offered helpful advice to reduce allergic reactions, which proves to be about as helpful as the No-Sneezum Dance.
“Avoid outdoor activities between 5 and 10 AM”. I should, perhaps, just teleport to work? OK, Doctor, I’m ready–beam me up to campus!
“Don’t hang laundry outside”. Umm, I don’t have a dryer. Perhaps walking around in wet clothes would keep the pollen issue down, but it would be really annoying and I’d leave little puddles behind if I stood in one place for too long.
“Pollen can collect on clothing. Change clothes after you’ve been outside.” See above issue. The last thing I need to do is to create more laundry.
“When indoors, use your air conditioner” What air conditioner? Stupid paper, you’re addressing a city full of houses almost entirely built before 1950 and mostly built before 1925. If people HAVE air conditioners (I don’t), they’re room units.
“Wear a mask and goggles while mowing the lawn” Well, one of the nice things about rowhouses is that there just isn’t much of a lawn. I can mow the whole thing in about five minutes with a weed whacker--which is good, because if I need to wear a mask and goggles, I don't want to be outside long enough for anyone to see me. Even with only five minutes on the clock one of the little old ladies in the apartment house up the block would call the police to report a space alien. Lawns are for suburbanites; city gardens are for drinking gin and tonics. Oh–wait, maybe they’re not. The next gem of advice?
“Avoid drinking alcohol and exposure to cigarette smoke”. You idiots! Alcohol and cigarette smoke are two of the only things that make the stupid allergic reactions bearable! It’s bad enough that my eyes are swollen shut and I’ve sneezed my teeth into next week–now you’re telling me I can’t even have a lousy drink?
I wonder what I’d have to do to get exiled to Siberia. It might be hell on earth, but it’s probably fairly low on pollen. Just my luck–I’m probably allergic to sled dogs.
“Avoid outdoor activities between 5 and 10 AM”. I should, perhaps, just teleport to work? OK, Doctor, I’m ready–beam me up to campus!
“Don’t hang laundry outside”. Umm, I don’t have a dryer. Perhaps walking around in wet clothes would keep the pollen issue down, but it would be really annoying and I’d leave little puddles behind if I stood in one place for too long.
“Pollen can collect on clothing. Change clothes after you’ve been outside.” See above issue. The last thing I need to do is to create more laundry.
“When indoors, use your air conditioner” What air conditioner? Stupid paper, you’re addressing a city full of houses almost entirely built before 1950 and mostly built before 1925. If people HAVE air conditioners (I don’t), they’re room units.
“Wear a mask and goggles while mowing the lawn” Well, one of the nice things about rowhouses is that there just isn’t much of a lawn. I can mow the whole thing in about five minutes with a weed whacker--which is good, because if I need to wear a mask and goggles, I don't want to be outside long enough for anyone to see me. Even with only five minutes on the clock one of the little old ladies in the apartment house up the block would call the police to report a space alien. Lawns are for suburbanites; city gardens are for drinking gin and tonics. Oh–wait, maybe they’re not. The next gem of advice?
“Avoid drinking alcohol and exposure to cigarette smoke”. You idiots! Alcohol and cigarette smoke are two of the only things that make the stupid allergic reactions bearable! It’s bad enough that my eyes are swollen shut and I’ve sneezed my teeth into next week–now you’re telling me I can’t even have a lousy drink?
I wonder what I’d have to do to get exiled to Siberia. It might be hell on earth, but it’s probably fairly low on pollen. Just my luck–I’m probably allergic to sled dogs.
posted by Daniel | 9:38 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home