Oh, dear Lord, save me from crappy songs about Your birthday.
I just heard that hideous Christmas Shoes song again, and I very nearly swerved off the interstate to vomit. What an absolutely horrible song!
Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of this thing is that everyone on earth seems to think it’s the most wonderful and edifying song ever written. If that’s the case, it goes a long way to explain why this planet is seriously screwed.
In the event that you’ve been living under a rock that, fortunately for you, has no radio, the Christmas Shoe song is sung by a guy who, it seems, was at a department store (at Christmastime, of course) when he noticed a boy at the cash register. The boy is attempting to buy a pair of ladies’ shoes, which are “just the right size” for his mother. (Yeah, right, the kid’s probably a budding drag queen.) And, of course, he doesn’t have enough money. Turns out that the kid’s mother is about to “go see Jesus” and he wants her to look nice when she goes to heaven. He needs these shoes now because Daddy says there isn’t much time. The heartless clerk tells the kid to pay up or move on. Our hero, the singer, ponies up five bucks so the kid can buy these shoes. Inspired, the singer goes on to point out that he realizes the boy was sent there so that he, the crooner, will understand the true meaning of Christmas.
This piece of crap is just plain wrong on almost every level.
This kid’s mom is dying–the implication is that she’s going to croak this very night–and he’s out shopping? What’s up with this? And why is he shopping unsupervised? Maybe Dad is just waiting for Mom to kick it, and he wants to get rid of the kid so he can run off with the hot nurse in the ICU ward, so he sends him out to become milk-carton bait.
Is Jesus really so concerned with the outward appearance of potential new residents of Pearly Gates Lane? So, after a life of sacrifice and pain, Mom shows up in Heaven and St. Peter says “Damn, bitch, your shoes are UGLY. What are you thinking showing up in heaven wearing that shit?”
The part that really slays me is that the kid was sent to inspire the author to understand the meaning of Christmas. “Hard luck, kid! You’re poor and your mom is dying. Wow, that must really suck, but hey, your sacrifices haven’t been in vain, because now I get what Christmas is all about! Thanks for having a shitty childhood; now I get the whole deal!!!” I’m not sure how I would feel about being put through all of this just to help some jerk in the shoe department of Woodward and Lothrop understand Christmas.
And, so, what IS Christmas all about? Well, it seems to me that if you listen to the song, you will understand that Christmas is all about abandoning a dying loved one, contributing to crass commercialism, and buying a fashionable pair of shoes, since God doesn’t care about your soul or your faith or anything, as long as you’ve got hot kicks. This is certainly NOT the idea of Christmas–or of God–that I want to hold dear.
Oh, yes, and the song teaches us one more important thing: If you whine enough about your problems, and you have a good enough story, some dumbass will fork over the money you want and all will be well, at least until you want a nice new hat to go with the shoes.
I realize that most of our canonical Christmas songs are outdated, since–other than hymns–the vast majority of them came out in the ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s. The ‘80s gave us “Feliz Navidad,” which really just makes me think of hirsute Mexican singers, and the ‘60s gave it a shot with the thankfully-forgotten “Christmas on the Moon,” but most of the stuff IS pretty elderly. Then again, there’s a reason we still play it–it was good. If we need some new material, can’t we make it a little better than the drippy sentiment and the extremely flawed “lesson” of the Christmas Shoes?
I just heard that hideous Christmas Shoes song again, and I very nearly swerved off the interstate to vomit. What an absolutely horrible song!
Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of this thing is that everyone on earth seems to think it’s the most wonderful and edifying song ever written. If that’s the case, it goes a long way to explain why this planet is seriously screwed.
In the event that you’ve been living under a rock that, fortunately for you, has no radio, the Christmas Shoe song is sung by a guy who, it seems, was at a department store (at Christmastime, of course) when he noticed a boy at the cash register. The boy is attempting to buy a pair of ladies’ shoes, which are “just the right size” for his mother. (Yeah, right, the kid’s probably a budding drag queen.) And, of course, he doesn’t have enough money. Turns out that the kid’s mother is about to “go see Jesus” and he wants her to look nice when she goes to heaven. He needs these shoes now because Daddy says there isn’t much time. The heartless clerk tells the kid to pay up or move on. Our hero, the singer, ponies up five bucks so the kid can buy these shoes. Inspired, the singer goes on to point out that he realizes the boy was sent there so that he, the crooner, will understand the true meaning of Christmas.
This piece of crap is just plain wrong on almost every level.
This kid’s mom is dying–the implication is that she’s going to croak this very night–and he’s out shopping? What’s up with this? And why is he shopping unsupervised? Maybe Dad is just waiting for Mom to kick it, and he wants to get rid of the kid so he can run off with the hot nurse in the ICU ward, so he sends him out to become milk-carton bait.
Is Jesus really so concerned with the outward appearance of potential new residents of Pearly Gates Lane? So, after a life of sacrifice and pain, Mom shows up in Heaven and St. Peter says “Damn, bitch, your shoes are UGLY. What are you thinking showing up in heaven wearing that shit?”
The part that really slays me is that the kid was sent to inspire the author to understand the meaning of Christmas. “Hard luck, kid! You’re poor and your mom is dying. Wow, that must really suck, but hey, your sacrifices haven’t been in vain, because now I get what Christmas is all about! Thanks for having a shitty childhood; now I get the whole deal!!!” I’m not sure how I would feel about being put through all of this just to help some jerk in the shoe department of Woodward and Lothrop understand Christmas.
And, so, what IS Christmas all about? Well, it seems to me that if you listen to the song, you will understand that Christmas is all about abandoning a dying loved one, contributing to crass commercialism, and buying a fashionable pair of shoes, since God doesn’t care about your soul or your faith or anything, as long as you’ve got hot kicks. This is certainly NOT the idea of Christmas–or of God–that I want to hold dear.
Oh, yes, and the song teaches us one more important thing: If you whine enough about your problems, and you have a good enough story, some dumbass will fork over the money you want and all will be well, at least until you want a nice new hat to go with the shoes.
I realize that most of our canonical Christmas songs are outdated, since–other than hymns–the vast majority of them came out in the ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s. The ‘80s gave us “Feliz Navidad,” which really just makes me think of hirsute Mexican singers, and the ‘60s gave it a shot with the thankfully-forgotten “Christmas on the Moon,” but most of the stuff IS pretty elderly. Then again, there’s a reason we still play it–it was good. If we need some new material, can’t we make it a little better than the drippy sentiment and the extremely flawed “lesson” of the Christmas Shoes?
posted by Daniel | 3:10 AM
3 Comments:
Thanks for honoring my request! :)
--WPK
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oops. That should have been:
Believe me, my friend, you are not the only one who feels that way about the stupid Christmas shoes song.
Post a Comment
<< Home