WARNING: THIS POST IS GOING TO BE ABOUT TRAINS.

But wait: before I go off on the wonderful world of rail travel, I do need to mention that one of my friends (who may or may not have been involved in the college Slinky experiments) pointed out that--the Slinky DID in fact descend ONE staircase at William and Mary. This particular staircase is the one that goes up to the organ loft in the College Chapel. It is a staircase in name only; it is in fact a beautifully-decorated ladder. OK, so Slinky is really snooty and particular; all it wants from you is a narrow, dangerous, shallow-treaded Colonial staircase. Fine. Slinky is trying to kill kids. I'm good with that.

Now, since I'd already talked about the joys of travel (at least, the joys of travel in my own outdated version of it), I thought I should discuss what it's like to be a living anachronism trying to travel in the modern world.

The only reason that I will ever willingly set foot on an airplane again is to go to Europe. The only reason for THAT is simple: there just aren't transatlantic liners anymore. Believe me, if the old Norddeutscher-Lloyd had even its sorriest, single-stack, one-class liner trudging between Baltimore and Bremen, I'd be on the damned thing. Even though she might be a century old and leaking like a colander, I'd trust the ancient "Koenigin Luise" much more than a giant airborne test tube.

I think that we have all become so immured to the concept of flight that we just don't see any other way. Lately, I've seen ads on Baltimore city buses for Southwest Airlines flights to New York.

Except the ads themselves tell you: you're not really going to New York, you're going to Newark.

Nothing against Newark. I've been there before (and was indecently propositioned in the main waiting room of the train station, too). It's a dump, but so is Baltimore. Here's my problem: If I'm going to pay $69 (yes, sixty-nine...) to go to Newark, I'll still have to get from Newark to New York itself. That's going to be either a fairly complex public-transit ride, or a very expensive cab ride, or...wait for it...

A RIDE ON THE TRAIN, which I could have accomplished perfectly well if I'D GOTTEN ON THE GODDAMNED TRAIN IN BALTIMORE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

If I fly to Newark from Baltimore, I have to get to the Baltimore airport (20 minutes from home), get there an hour early (in case someone suspects me of blowing things up), fly for 45 minutes or so (assuming the flight is on-schedule), then get off the plane and get out of the airport (20 minutes), then get a cab into downtown Newark (20-30 minutes). Note that I said Newark, there; I'm not even talking about New York yet. So, what's our total time here? We're already pushing three hours. If I walk down the street and get on the train and go to Newark, it will take almost exactly the same time.

Now, here's the problem with train travel, much as I hate to admit it. It seems relatively obvious to those of us who travel exclusively by train that Amtrak doesn't really want our business. You'd think--wouldn't you?--that a mode of travel no longer stylish would be doing its damnedest to get people aboard. Amtrak seems to want to do anything BUT that.

On the trains themselves--well, there are still a few of the old '70s cars running. They're ugly (70s, remember?) and the seats are a bit sprung, but they're nicer than the new cars, which are barely a step above being rail-bound Yugos. I've seen nicer bathrooms in '30s gas stations than those on Amtrak's new cars. Dining car? Oh, please. You're lucky to get a "snack" car. Real dining cars now exist ONLY on VERY long distance trains. Even the Cardinal doesn't have one; though thankfully the Capitol Limited (once the pride of the Baltimore and Ohio RR) still does. I'll pause to give them some credit, here--the "City of New Orleans" still has not only a dining car, but boasts some New Orleans cuisine. If only the Capitol Limited and the Crescent would do the same! And, very few trains still have a lounge car. "Lounge Car" was an old railroad euphemism for BAR. Thankfully, again, the "Silver Meteor" (one of my favorite trains) still does. Even so, I can't smoke in it.

Perhaps worse are the stations. Almost every city of ANY size in the US once had a train station of which it was justly proud. Even Frederick had a pretty Italianate station built by the B&O in 1852. It might have been old, but it was beautiful (still is, but no longer served by rail). Amtrak often does not choose to use these. In Baltimore, it uses the Pennsylvania station, which is still beautiful, but probably only because it has no other valid option. In many cities, Amtrak has forsaken the big old downtown station in favor of a nasty little AmShack in the 'burbs. Richmond is a case in point. The city has two huge, beautiful stations; Amtrak prefers to use a station out in the burbs that is the size of my living room. I like my living room, but Richmond is far too large and important to have such a tiny station. A few years ago, the City revamped the lovely Main Street Station--my favorite--only to see it vastly underserved by Amtrak, which resents having to use it. In a few cases, Amtrak has used the TRACKS of the old station, but insists upon using a tiny facility next door. Pittsburgh's beautiful Penn Station is one of these; Washington was another. Washington, of course, is the US Capital, so it seems that Amtrak was finally shamed into using the real station again. Imagine all of those foreign dignitaries, when they saw the little shed: "DAS ist seine Hauptbahnhof????"

I still--and always will--love rail travel. There is a magic about it that I can't find in any other mode of conveyance. I love that I can get on the train in Baltimore, arrive in Richmond in a couple of hours, and have drinks on the way, which I surely can't do while driving. I love that when I'm able to take the Meteor, instead of a local hauler train, I can have drinks in a real lounge car. I also like meeting people on the train. I've met a LOT of fun people on trains. When William and Mary was in the Division II playoffs last fall, I had a really good time--when I boarded the train in Baltimore at 7AM, it was already full of W&M grads who had hung up signs in the windows that read WILLIAM AND MARY SPECIAL FULL STEAM AHEAD!!!! (I'm lucky that I was able to stumble off the train in Williamsburg.)

Even so, Amtrak could do a hell of a lot more to make people WANT to ride the train. I do because I hate driving and I hate flying. With very little additional effort, Amtrak could make its passenger trains a viable and desirable option, at least on the East coast.

I realize that only those who hate driving and flying will ever want to take the long-distance, cross-country trains again. But, even to those, I say: Yeah, it will take 18 hours to get to Chicago, but you could have a LOT of fun on the way. If that unofficial "William and Mary Special" is any indication, and I'm riding the Capitol Limited, by the time we got to Chicago, we'd have been partying for most of an entire day.