The Colonial Theatre Tea Garden

The beauty spot of downtown Richmond was, in 1921, the Tea Garden of the brand-new Colonial Theatre. Herein, we recreate the essence of elegance, joy and hauteur that was once found in Virginia's first real picture palace. Bathtub gin is available at the top of the grand ramps.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Cheers! to St. Valentine; he's managed to get the entire world entranced with an idea that has nothing to do with much of anything on a religious bent at all.

I hate to be the one to destroy illusions--I'm rather fond of them myself--but I wonder how many people celebrate Valentine's Day, who have no idea of the Saint who started the business? I've noticed that fundamentalist "Christian" girls and boys are quite happy to send flowers and chocolates on the 14th of February. BAD! BAD! You're going to hell, you little shits, because.... THIS IS A CATHOLIC HOLIDAY!!!

Oh, now, really, I won't be TOO awful about it. Unlike our fundamentalist friends, I welcome anybody who'd like to celebrate the feast days of our holy Saints. I'll be delighted to show our great Cathedral to all of you, here in Baltimore; and my Parish church as well. Even so: The Prots spend an awful lot of time informing us about our path to Hell, which involves our belief in saints--yet, when it comes to Valentine's Day-- there they are, sending flowers. Dumbasses.

The great equalizer, on my planet, comes in the form of chocolate. There is only one place I know in which all colors, races and creeds can meet happily ,and that is the Lexington Market.

Have you never been to the Market? Well, then, you've never been to Baltimore, really. I always make a point of this to those who visit me here. The Market is the essence of the City herself, and if you don't like it, you don't like Baltimore. If you've not seen it, you've not seen the City.

Now, usually, I'd spend this time to tell you about the wonderful bakery that you can get, or the availability of esoteric fish, or the sandwiches we all love--but, this is Valentine's day, and we want nothing but sweets.

This is the time of Rheb's candies. If you do not know Rheb's, you are not, and can never pretend to be, a Baltimorean. I've heard far too many idiots who've tried to fake our accent, and even more who have attempted to cook in our way. Can you imagine, trying to tell us that the nice people at Faidley's don't make a real crabcake?

We still have a local confectioner. Louis Rheb u. Familie do it up right. I, personally, am obsessed with Rheb's orange creams. They are WAY better than sex. The coconut kisses are a little better than sex, but not so much as the orange creams.

Now, I am not as mean as I would like for people to believe. I am easily swayed by friendly offerings. A couple of my students brought me an offering in the form of cake... which is always good, but...

Orange creams, people. Bring them. Now.